Thursday, December 11, 2008
that are made for guys like me.
All the porn I've come across
was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males
Men who like their women stupid and submissive
Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos
with gargantuan breasts and a three-word vocabulary
Adult films are populated with these collagen-injected
Many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation
in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.
These aren't real women. They're objects.
And these movies aren't erotic. They're pathetic.
These vacuum-headed fuck bunnies don't turn me on.
They disgust me.
And it's not that I'm against pornography.
I mean, I'm a guy. And guys need porn.
"Like a preacher needs pain, like a needle needs a vein,"
Guys need porn.
But I don't wanna watch this misogynist he-man woman-hater porn.
I want porno movies that are made with guys like me in mind:
Guys who know that the sexiest thing in the world
is a woman who is smarter than you are.
You can have the whole cheerleading squad,
I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:
Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.
First I want to copy her Trig homework,
and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her
for hours and hours
until she reluctantly asks if we can stop
because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica.
Summa cum laude, baby!
That is what I call erotic.
But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film?
Which is why I'm going to start writing and directing Geek Porno.
I shall be the quintessential Nerd Porn Auteur.
And the women in my porno movies will be the kind
that drive nerds like me mad with desire.
I'm talking about the girls that used to fuck up the grading curve.
The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.
Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.
Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses
and chips on their shoulders.
My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.
My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.
In my kind of porno movies the girls wouldn't even have to get naked.
They'd just take the guys down to the rec room and
beat them repeatedly at chess
and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle
or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies.
Buy stock in some hand cream companies
because there is about to be a major shortage.
And I'm not just talking about straight porn. Oh no.
There should be fuck films for my nerd brethren
of all sexual orientations.
Gay nerd porn flicks with titles like "Dungeons and Drag-queens."
This idea is a fucking gold mine.
I am gonna make millions,
because this country is full of database programmers
and electronics engineers
and they aren't getting the loving they so desperately need.
And you can help . . .
If you're an intelligent woman is interested in breaking into the adult film industry,
and if you can tell me the name of Luke Skywalker's home planet,
then you are hired.
It doesn't matter if you don't think you're beautiful.
You are beautiful. . .
And I will make you a star.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewellery is for pussy's and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words fuck you and grab the other girls arse. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop b*tching about the cold right now you're going to be b*tching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.
22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
23. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.
25. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel 'down?' The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations. ..
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch 'the game.' Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch 'the game,' I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out 'I HAVE HERPES.' The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over '...there is no cure,' cue inspirational music 'but treatment is available.' Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say 'AWW HOW ROMANTIC.' I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to 'react cutely' instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react 'cutely' when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of 'Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends.'
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
If you live in SoCal, you know how it is.
PS. What are you gonna be for halloween?
+ Are you going to Hard Halloween?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
If i wanted to go read about Paris Hilton, I'd go read Perez Hilton, which is equivalently gross. Tabloids are garbage.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
My hubby and frontman ain't so bad either eh?
PS. If you'd like to blog for BJMAG
drop a line of some amazing rant or praise. Whether it's Ugg Boots or
cookies, do your thanggggg
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
So last night I went to the arena and almost shit my pants when I saw the four hour (yes, four fucking hour) line to get into Dance to see Steve Aoki spin. Lucky for me Manny put me on the list and I didn't have to wait in that shit or pay fifteen dollars to see someone who plays at Cinespace every tuesday just a few streets away. I really had no idea that Steve Aoki was that huge, in the underage scene at least...It was as if he was some international import from Japan / modern day jesus. But I'm not even quite sure if people would pay 15 dollars or wait four hours in line to hang out with Jesus. Seriously, underage bitches need to start saving up for an ID or suckin some dick or something. Four hours and fifteen dollars? I'd rather youtube and take ecstasy at home. I left at 1:30 and there were still people waiting in line to get in. Dance closes at 2. Bitches are craaaazy. He should sell his socks on ebay...
Thursday, August 7, 2008
You are Cordially Invited to ::::
Hellz Bellz Sample Sale / Commonwealth / Stussy
-Womens Clothing / Hoodies / T-shirts / Outerwear / Denim / Accessories
50-75% off of Wholesale Price
11am - 7pm
Saturday & Sunday
Its all taking place in the heart D.C.
1781 Florida Ave
Washington DC 20009
(next door to Commonwealth & Stussy DC)
www. hellz-bellz. com
Be sure to get yours asap, styles will be moving fast.
and check out his blurbs bout his new inspo here
red lipstick and the freshest skin
dressed to kill or maybe she's dressed to win
i don't know but i sure am impressed with it"
That's just a teasa, I guess I'm turning into some lyrical inspiration, which reminds me of Remo from the retired Faux for Real who wrote "Everyone's a slut" after a late night rant bulletin of mine. Check the track out, it still gives me the giggles after all these years. (I still ponder on how he found that song default of me...)
"...girls named suzanne and olivia, we all want, what they've got, and it buuuuuurns, cos they hot"
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
"The Christopher Walk-ins' name is obviously inspired by Christopher Walken
(More than a man, less than a god)"
- as featured on their Myspace
On July 12th, I didn't only shoot production photos for the day, but I was also featured in a
videoshoot for, "Fox". The Christopher Walk-Ins sound is unique blend of garage-band, catchy
vocals, 'an explosion of lollipops and monster riffs', and are heavily influenced by bands such as
Built to Spill, Modest Mouse, The Pixies, Promise Ring, and Sonic Youth.
The Christopher Walk-Ins are simply not getting the recognition they deserve.
Which however, I'm sure will change with an upcoming show at Janestown in LA on the 29th
of this month. As well as, two upcoming SOLD OUT shows they're playing with friends, Built to Spill
at the Troubadour later this Sept.10th & 11th. I'm fortunate for not only being their 'official band
photographer' but to have some of these guys as close friends.
So check them out and give 'em a listen at:
Without further-a-do, here are the photos from the videoshoot.
Gimme some feedback, let me know what you guys think!
Here are several shots I've strung together from different takes for the same scene:
Lets take a look at that EPIC shot once again.
and last but not least, the "Miho Scene"
Monday, August 4, 2008
"We've reached a point in our civilization where counterculture has mutated into a self-obsessed aesthetic vacuum. So while hipsterdom is the end product of all prior countercultures, its been stripped of its subversion and originality, and is leaving a generation pointlessly obsessing over fashion, faux individuality, cultural capital and commodities of style."